Fun Times
by Exclaimation
Summary: Pretty much Joker/Batman slash - trying to be as 'uncrack-like' but it's near impossible when pairing these two. May lead to man on man action- so if you're underage dont read.


Hi guys - this is the first chapter, and be warned it will be batman/Joker slash, and will possibly lead to steaming man on man action. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Obviously, none of these characters belong to me, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Slowly, carefully Batman began to open his eyes, tried to focus on an object, but couldn't. The room seemed to spin in a blur of fuzziness. With the combined effect of this and the sharp stabbing pain in the back of his neck, he could feel his body begin to object to its most recent treatment. Tasting rising stomach bile in his mouth, Batman fought the urge to vomit.

_What had happened?_

_It was dark, in an alley. He was peering down below._

_He could already see his target. A tall, hunched over figure draped in purple stalked slowly with heavy steps through the dark alley below. No sign of his usual thugs. _

_Silently, like a bird of prey descending on its target, Batman swiftly climbed down from his perch, before propelling his body weight forward making direct impact, colliding with the figure._

_The figure yelped in surprise and a quick scuffle ensued. It didn't take long for Batman to fling the person on his back, pinning him down to the ground…though something was not quite right. This was too easy. Batman stared down at the man below. Purple suite…green vest…that white ghoulish face, with the red stained lips…but upfront something was…different…_

'_Please!' cried the man, 'oh, god, please don't hurt me!' he practically blubbered. The Batman stared, dumbfounded. This wasn't the Joker. But if this wasn't the Joker…then who was this?_

_Then sharp pain…followed by darkness._

He was bound to a chair sitting up right –that much he could tell. He breathed in deeply, tried to focus on a technique he had learnt during his years of training in the mountains, squinted and then squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm his senses and rebuild his strength. As he sucked in the musty air, he imagined it spreading through his body, energizing each cell, felt it washing through him, comforting him with each calm breath until finally he felt confident enough to open his eyes.

As his eyes slowly brought things into focus, swiftly relaying the images back to his brain, it was to his great dismay that the first object to come into focus was that all too familiar horrible, sweaty clown face.

The Joker sat there, watching, contemplating _The Batman._ He fiddled with his knife. He finally had _him_, bound and tied up at his mercy.He had dreamt, fantasized and wished for this moment for so long that the want had almost _enraged_ him. He was fascinated by the man in front in of him._ The Batman._ The possibilities were now endless.

'Let me go' Batman growled. There had to be a way out of this.

'Oh…_sure…_I'll just 'let you go.' His voice high pitched and strange, the Joker rolled his eyes, shifting his weight in his seat. 'I'm sure you'll just walk out of here as if nothing ever happened – as if you haven't even been following me for the last couple of days.'

He smacked his lips, watching Batman's stone face closely before lowering his head, eyes downcast to give off the impression of bashfulness. 'As flattered as I am to have a secrete admirer. Really…' He nodded his head earnestly as Batman glared back in disgust, '…I am. The whole stalking thing though, that really has to stop. It's getting a bit, well…' He paused, glancing upwards, tapping his purple gloved finger against his scarred cheek in mock contemplation, '…it's getting a bit _creepy._' He glared murderously at Batman, his voice lowered to a startling growl. 'Even for a guy like me.'

'What makes you think that I have been following you?' Batman rasped. He knew he had to keep the clown talking, had to bide more time. While the Joker had talked he had managed to brandish one of his built in suite knives. Slowly, but surely, with his arms bound tightly behind his back to the chair, he had began to cut at the rope. While trying to make the actions as conspicuous as possible, Batman knew it was going to take a while. He thought back to all his previous encounters with the Joker. '_I don't want to kill you…' _the painted man had said, though Batman was not willing to take his word on that. He briefly wondered if the Joker would attempt to de-mask him. The suite had many inbuilt boogey traps for those that tried. It may just help him out of the situation, although Batman doubted that the Joker would be naïve enough to try it.

'What…makes…me…_think_ that…_you_ have been following _me_?' The Joker echoed these words slowly, allowing each one to roll around his mouth as if to savior the taste of them. He laughed suddenly and loudly. 'What MAKES ME THINK that YOU have been following ME!' He growled, the rage of those words rumbling out from within.

The Joker was up on his feet now dark furious eyes staring into Batman's. His posture slightly hunched, he walked towards Batman as if he carried the weight of his anger on his shoulders, each step heavy and stiff.

Batman felt the hard thud in his chest as he was kicked, momentarily taking his breath away. The impact forced his chair to slam against the wall, almost causing him to lose his place where he had been slowly cutting the binding rope.

The Joker stared down at him calmly, cocking his head to the side. He chuckled fondly. 'See…it wasn't too hard to figure out. Although, to one professional to another' Batman grimaced at this, 'A good trader, always keeps his trade secretes to himself…and so on.'

The Joker crouched down, placing his elbows on Batman's knees allowing his chin to rest up on his hand, his dark eyes glancing up to look at Batman curiously. Batman froze, continued to stare down at the Joker. 'Although, you _really_ did do a number on my wingman. I had to give him the, uh…rest of the night off.'

Batman watched as the demented clown began to pat his protected suite around his thighs and lap before finally sliding his body up, so that he was straddling his lap now sitting face to face with Batman, grinning lustily, 'Just wanted to make sure first that there weren't any unwanted surprises for me.' He smirked with a wink.

'Get off me' Batman spat and instantly regretted it. The last thing he wanted to do was aggravate this psychopath, this…this, _clown,_ especially while he was tied up like this.

The Joker loved watching Batman's discomfort. 'Awww…c'mmon, don't be like that…hmmm?' he hushed , 'I'm actually_ glad_ that you found me. So, so _glad…_we never really got a chance to have a proper chat last time, did we, no?' He began to hum casually, as he fished a knife out of his purple coat pocket.

Batman glared at him, his ambition to get the clown talking seemingly forgotten. 'What is there to talk about, Joker? You're little social experiment with the ferries failed and you were proven wrong on just about every occasion. When will you just accept it and get the help you need at Arkhum Asylum?'

'What did I say to you before? Don't try to act like you are one of _them._' The Joker admonished waving his knife at Batman. 'For _they_, will sooner rather than later have you thrown into a padded cell with me.' He rolled his eyes to the ceiling marveling at the thought. 'Now…wouldn't that be _nice…_I tell you what…I'll check myself in at Arkhum the day you do so.' He cackled at the thought.

'I'd consider it' Batman narrowed his eyes at him. 'If it keeps you from killing more innocent civilians.'

The Joker groaned closing his eyes, 'Oh…god, spare me the whole hero/villain routine, will you? You _really_ are one of those dark, brooding types, aren't ya?' He scrunched his face up, fingering his knife in thought. 'And since you brought it up, uh, I wouldn't call any of those so-called _civilized _people innocent.' He practically spat out the word.

'You're wrong. The people on those ferries didn't detonate each other. They knew that despite the predicament that _you _put them in that it was the wrong thing to do. People _do_ have so much good in them. Why can't you see that?' Batman stared at the Joker who was now laughing so hard he was practically sobbing.

'Oh…stop..stop…if you keep making me laugh so hard, you're going to break your only rule.' He theatrically wiped some tears from his eyes and sighed. 'I take back everything that I said. You _really_ are _funny._' He frowned, suddenly serious again, his bottom lip pouting out, one eye brow cocked. 'I may have been locked up for most of the post-ferry hysteria…but I wasn't cut off from the world entirely.' He stared into Batman's eyes darkly, leaning his face in closer, 'So, may I enquire – what exactly happened on those Ferries, Batman?'

'They decided not to detonate each other.'

'Mmmm…Okay. Fine….But do you remember how?'

Batman starred at him. Pretty much all the survivors of the civilian filled ferry had given their testimonials to newspapers and the media. It was widely known what had happened on those Ferries leading up to midnight.

He growled in frustration, 'Does it matter?'

'Does it _matter?_' the Joker echoed, he shrugged, fidgeting with his knife, 'Well, I don't know? Three hundred people vote as to whether to commit mass murder, yet it really does _boggle_ the mind at how disturbingly complacent everybody seems by this, don't ya think?' He eyes continued to bore into Batman's, searching for an understanding. 'I mean' he continued, 'that little voting system of theirs just seemed all too familiar, didn't it? And that's before we even get to the wee little problem that most of those so-called _innocents_, voted to blow the other boat sky-high.' He laughed hysterically. 'Which would have been hil-ar-ious since each detonator was wired to set off the same boat it was on. BAHA-HA! GET IT?! Now _that_ would have been _true_ justice for you…'

Batman felt his anger rising at this. 'It doesn't matter what they voted. Nobody would set off the detonator.' He'd just finished cutting through the first rope and was almost through the second…just needed to distract this joker some more.

'Oh Batman' the Joker giggled, 'You're too much!' He rolled his eyes and leaned forward, licking his lips, speaking slowly as a parent would to a child, 'just because nobody was willing to set off the detonator, doesn't mean that they were good. SILLY!' Still grinning/giggling madly he patted Batman on the head patronizingly. 'It's just nobody was willing to have blood on their hands. Nobody was willing to be the one responsible for the deaths of hundreds.' He smirked. 'Of course though, they were willing to stand by and let _somebody else_ do the job. That doesn't make them good. It makes them _cowards._'

'You're garbage, you know that?' Batman spat. 'You relish putting all these people's lives at risk, to prove what? That people panic? That people want to live?' Batman sneered, 'Or is it the only way that you can justify your senseless killings and destruction? You just truly don't want to believe that you're all alone, don't you? '

The Joker stared back, marveling at him, chewing thoughtfully on the inside of his scared cheek – a habit he had developed along with the lip smacking ever since _that_ incident. What had started out as a conscious checking of mouth wounds, now served as a subconscious reminder of his own disfigurement. A reminder that _everybody _else has the potential to be the same as him_._ It was so frustrating having to explain this to Bats. Why didn't Batman understand? _He_ wasn't garbage at all. He was just playing smart, _thinking ahead _so to speak. Given the chance, or put through the same experience as himself, _anybody else_ would have reacted the same. He just had to learn this the hard way. He isn't evil or crazy. _No. NO. He _isn't. Old Batsy just hasn't learnt this yet. Doesn't understand how futile his _so-called 'noble' efforts _are. He'll show him.

'Tsk,tsk,tsk…see, now you are getting yourself all worked up.' The Joker raised his knife tracing it delicately along Batman's jaw-line, he frowned, scrunching his face up into an expression of mock concern, 'I mean, I worry about you sometimes Batsy? Mmmm? If you keep up with all this anger and stress, then your blood pressure is going to soar.' His dark eyes roamed over Batman's face, before focusing back onto the task at hand with the knife, staring with intense concentration as he watched the delicate, temporary little indents being made in the flesh by it.

Batman froze, not wanting to move. He wished he could speed up the rope cutting, but didn't dare in case his movements were detected by the clown. The cool blade of the knife gently tracing his skin made him tingle in ways he didn't want to analyze too closely, the danger associated with it only seemed to excite him even more. He now noticed that the tracing had stopped and that the knife was now gently resting against the corner of his lip. Two dark eyes stared back at him and Batman observed the anger and intensity that seemed to leak from them into his own, almost as if they were reading his own private thoughts.

'It would be soooo easy…' the Joker murmured softly, pressing the knife a little harder into the flesh while placing his other hand on Batman's shoulder. 'I could just cut you up…like I did to that Gambol.' He sucked in some breath sharply at the memory, began to rock his hips gently against Batman with the excitement of it, 'But then that would probably reveal you to the world…wouldn't it? And what would become of the great Batman.' He tilted his head, 'What would _I _have to occupy _my_ time with?'

Emotionless, Batman sat gazing at the Joker, felt the warmth of the other man's haunches rocking slowly against him, with the knife still firmly pressed at the side of his mouth. He stared at the Joker's own habitually twitching mouth. Wondered for the umpteenth time what his past had entailed, yet didn't dare to ask. Another problem had begun to occupy Batman's mind, anyway. His busy schedule with Wayne enterprises, the stress of being hunted down as a vigilante and his nights as Batman meant it had been all work and no play for busy Bruce. It had meant a lot of sacrifices had to be made, and to his horror Batman realized that the gentle, slow swaying of that firm warmth had sent mixed messages to his body that now reacted, rising to the occasion, so to speak. He continued to stare at the Joker, hoping that…that… hideous face would stop it from rising. He tried to think of unsexy things, dead puppies even, tried to direct his mind to focus on the situation at hand, but his body had been starved of the attention that it was receiving at the moment. Feeling humiliated Batman continued his rope cutting and internally prayed to the greater Gods that the Joker wouldn't notice.

Unfortunately for Batman, the greater Gods weren't listening that night. Either they were busy, had taken the night off or just didn't care much for a masked vigilante with his arch-nemesis. With curiosity the Joker noticed the change in Batman's eyes, but wasn't sure of its beginnings. Removing the knife, he sat back to gauge Batman's expression, shifting his body weight. Batman watched in dismay as on contact the Joker's eyebrow shot up, and his painted face evolved from registration, confusion and then realization.

Both enemies stared at each other.

'Well…uh…hello…there.' The Joker broke the silence, a bemused expression contorting his face, eyes darting down. He stared closely at Batman, squinting while quickly smacking his lips. He was really going to enjoy this. 'Yaaa-knnoww' he sing-songed, 'I could tell you were a little…um, _tense_ before, but whoa! I didn't realize _how_ tense.' He grinned back at Batman's horrified expression. Biting his lip, he teasingly began to gyrate his hips down onto _it,_ emitting a sharp gasp from Batman. To celebrate this new reaction, he clapped his hands together and squealed.

'I really do have a secrete admirer!' he chanted 'I DO, I DO, I DO!'

'Right, that's it!' Batman thundered, 'GET OFF ME NOW!'

'Oh, you!' the Joker purred teasingly, delighted at the reactions he was getting, 'asking me to 'get you off' already?' He feigned shock, 'but this is only the first date! And you haven't even bought _me_ dinner!! Ahe-ho, he-ha, he-ha…'

'I'm warning you, clown!' Batman threatened.

'Or…what, uh, what will you do to _me_ Batman? On second thoughts, do I _really_ want to know?' The Joker smirked smugly at his bound bat.

Batman growled. He'd be damned if he was going to let this clown, of _all_ people humiliate him. If this little shit was going to test him this way, then he'll play by his little game. All rational and logical thoughts flew out of his mind and were replaced instead with stubbornness, anger and all other such emotions associated with one who had suffered a swift blow to their pride and ego. Before the Joker could react he leaned forward crashing his lips with his enemies, enveloping his mouth with his own.

This strange display of affection evidently startled the Joker who immediately jumped back, crashing backwards into his previous seat before rolling onto the ground. He quickly leapt to his feet, however, scanning the room everywhere for any potential ambush that might have called for Bat's bizarre actions, before turning his attention back to his captive.

'What game are you playing at Batman?' He hissed, stalking closer, 'Did you momentarily forget, um, who is tied up here?' He quickly glanced around the room again, smacking his lips.

'I just played _your_ little game.' Batman snarled, 'Isn't that what you want, Joker?'

Before the Joker could respond, Batman was on him, his bounds now having been cut free. A crack of his fist sent the Joker to the floor. He bent over him, tried to handcuff him, but the Joker wouldn't have it.

Time and time again Batman had to curse himself for his clumsiness, for his constant underestimating of the Joker. This time he felt a sickening twist in his thigh as a knife was carved through. A quick kick to the chest and Batman was down on the ground. The Joker picked up a crow bar and decided to batter Batman a few more times for good measure while he down, cackling while doing so.

Batman grunted, held up his arms to try and shield the blows. Suddenly the Joker stopped, before leaning down to grab Batman and draw him close, so that they were face to face.

'You know what, _Batman?'_ he snarled, '_You_ have no idea how _lucky_ you are that I find you to be too much _fun.'_

With that he was quickly on his feet and out. Batman grunted and shakily dragged himself to his own feet. He winced as he felt the painful after effects of every blow. He hobbled a bit, the stab wound in his thigh shrieking. _Alfred was really going to get the shits having to clean up after this one…_


End file.
